What has Abby been up to?

Abby has been busy. Late in September you could find her busy in her sewing room, repairing and making new costume pieces!

She likes going to renaissance faires! Do you know what they are? Imagine you have gone back in time to when Queen Elizabeth the 1st was queen. The time would be around the 1600's through the 1700's. (give or take a hundred or so years)

Abby, her husband, and her young son all dress in costumes that could have been found way back then. They all play music! Abby plays a penny whistle, which is similar to a flute. Her son and husband both play many different instruments with strings. When they play music, Abby sets her basket down in front, just in case someone wants to tip them. They have a lot of fun!

Abby has also been struggling, as you all know by now. She can't figure out why her weight is not moving in a more favorable direction.

She's been trying to walk more.

She's been keeping a food journal, although she really hates that!

But her weight would still keep going up and down and up and down, over and over. Since May, she's been around 217-220 pounds. Why?

She is so tired of her muffin top.

Her belly seems to be hanging out even more these days. Why?

Poor Abby. So how has she been approaching all this? She tried going out on her favorite trail but found it was all grown over and hard to walk through.

So she started walking in town more. The weather was nice and that helped. She also looked LONG and HARD at WHY her body and weight was doing what it was doing. She did research and read up on things.

One day, she looked at her belly again:

Ugh. Talk about your spare tire! Why? Her food journal showed she was eating the right amount of calories. What could the problem be?
Then she asked google the question: "Beer, wine, alcohol, bellies". She had heard of beer bellies. Could wine cause the same thing? She always accounted for the calories in the wine she drank. Surely that couldn't be the issue! But no, there it was. . . article after article explained why drinking wine, or beer, or spirits could cause the belly fat issue. Damn!

What she found out was that the body's metabolism will work on metabolizing alcohol first. If you eat  at the same time, or after drinking, or snack during or after drinking, those food calories will go straight to storage. . . in the form of fat! That is the simplified version of the process.

So Abby has decided to cut way back on her wine intake. She took her belly measurements on the 14th and will take them for the next two months to see if just decreasing her wine, will make a difference.

While she's doing that, she still plans to go for walks. She adores this time of year! Stay tuned to see how Abby's experiment works out! And walk-on dear readers!

Grumpy Mornings

I am grumpy this morning. I've been journaling my food and walking more and my weight was up yesterday. I know I shouldn't let this bother me so much, but it does. I really struggle to find the balance between a weight I'd be happy with and the work I have to do to maintain that weight. I used to dream of being 150 pounds. That was about three years ago. Then when I stopped losing around 185 pounds, I thought that 175 would be more realistic. Then my weight went over 200 again, so now I am saying I'd be really happy to just be in one-derland.

Since I am grumpy I will share one pet peeve. I am so tired of skinny women saying they need to lose 10 more pounds. If you look good, have a good body fat percentage, can't you be happy there? I know, we ALL have trouble accepting how we look is really not the pounds on the scale. Does ANYONE out there, actually LIKE how they look?

So what did I do on this grumpy morning? Did I sit at home and eat a bunch of bread? Nope. I went for a walk. I went for a three and a half mile walk. It hurts so much. My left knee has osteoarthritis in it and it can get very painful. But I did it. I am sweaty. I need a shower. I am also not so grumpy now.

So if you're grumpy too, just Walk-On dear readers, Walk-On!

The truth hurts good!

Shame on me for not posting sooner. I've been preoccupied and busy. No, that is a lame excuse. I really wonder if it is worth writing about the same old same old. I bet there are only one or two people that even read this blog of mine. Oh well. If even ONE person reads this blog still and it helps them out, I will keep on posting. It might only be a few times a month, but I will post anyway. . . just in case.

Autumn is just around the corner and it is my favorite time of the year. Today I walked on my trail. I haven't been out there for many many months. Sadly, I won't be going back there any time soon. It has become terribly overgrown and it is hard walking through tall grass and weeds. Plus I worry about ticks. It was still nice to be out there though. I should hit over 10,000 steps today because of it too! I will be sticking to the pavement though. We have a pretty decent neighborhood and I can go in many different directions so as not to become bored with the same pavement each time.

I've lost a few pounds and am back under 220 again. I will admit I am ever the skeptic and I don't know if this is the road back to one-derland or just a fluke. I hope it is the roadway!

School has been back in session for a month now. It is nice getting back into a routine. My Friday yoga class still has people showing up. I hope I am doing right by them. I take it very seriously. I want to help. I also love the attention and positive feedback. Being the oldest child in my family makes for somewhat of a narcissistic personality. I try to keep that a positive trait though. I will admit I like being the center of attention. (Why is that such a bad thing?) I balance it out with caring for my family. I also try to remember to ask how folks are feeling and to recall their personal stories that they've shared so I can ask them how that situation is. For me, that takes a bit of work to do. I feel good about myself when I remember to do that though.

I need to go start supper. Speaking of food, the biggest reason some weight has started to come off has been that I am keeping a food journal again. Damn I hate how well that works! This is the sort of truth that hurts in a good way! hahahaha

Walk-On!!

Patience Grasshopper, Patience

Abby is not a patient person. She does not handle waiting too well. She wants it NOW!!! A lot of us want the pounds to go off our bodies, NOW too! It doesn't happen that way.

What does work is food journaling, a bit of exercising, and educating yourself as to portion sizes, calories per SERVING, and knowing the ingredients of processed foods. Abby had thought she could do without food journaling and she gained weight. A week ago, she started journaling again. When she weighed in, she found herself down FOUR pounds!!!

I can hardly wait to see what happens next week. Will she be down again or was this week just a fluke? 

Have a wonderful Labor Day Weekend y'all! And Walk-On.

Well flip my switch and call me Norman!

What the heck am I saying? I hardly know where to begin. How about with a cute picture of Abby with a toy spider to play with and to tease the cat with?

Abby has had a hard time of it. Things have been going sour for months now. Although she kept hanging on, she was loosing ground. One thing about Abby, she doesn't like taking pills. She thinks she is strong enough to deal with life on her own. She thinks she isn't SO depressed that she needs a pill to make her happy.

Then she fell apart . . . again. She had mild depression, anxiety attacks, panic attacks, crying way too hard for no real tangible reason, and was so miserable. She felt like she was under her own private rain cloud…all doomy and gloomy. She put on a good front though. She was in denial. She did not want to take any damn pills.

She wasn't suicidal. (You don't have to want to end your life to need help.) Abby just figured everyone was sad, every day. She felt very empty too. She bravely sought help and started taking a medicine that helped, but it made her very sleepy.

She could barely make herself go to yoga class, much less keep up with the ten minute a day walks. She was mad at herself for being this way. She went back to the doctor and tried a new pill. She isn't as tired now. Hopefully this new pill will help her with coping skills and get her back into the life she really wants to live.

* * *

It's funny how Abby has a lot of the same problems I have! I've been on my new pills for two weeks now. I am now in my studio more and have a bit more energy. I am still not happy with my level of alcohol intake although it is a LOT less and getting more-so.

I had something happen this past weekend that I really truly hope means I am headed back on the right path. I got a kick in the pants. I tried to put on a dress and it didn't fit. I love this particular dress. It really brought it home that I might only have gained 20 or 30 pounds, but it IS making a difference in my size. And I do NOT like this, not one little bit!

Today I felt that spark of renewal and rebirth. Today I felt that I might be able to make this life, MY life, on MY terms again. Keep your fingers crossed.

Oh, and walk on, even if only for ten minutes a day!

DIY: Fat Removal Surgery

I could not find out who the artist was. 

There are a lot of ways to think of this statue's message. Is it her inner beauty coming out? Maybe she is chipping away the fat, or wishing it was just as easy to lose weight by cutting it away? However you see it, it does make one pause and reflect. Or at least it caused ME to!

Walk-on!!!

Back from the Doctor

Lately I've been struggling with extreme fatigue. I finally allowed myself to spend the $20 co-pay to go see the doctor about it. I expected blood-work to be done and then be told it is all in my head. That is not what happened.

He said it was most likely a side effect of the meds I am on! He also said that some of the more recent weight gain could be a result of these meds too. Our plan of attack is to wean me off these and to try something else in a few weeks. He even offered me diet pills to jump start my weight loss. I declined them.

I really hope this works because I have become a major slug. I don't want to get out of bed in the mornings and can't wait to get to sleep at night. Then I sit around all day and watch old black and white TV shows. I don't want to go shopping or play in my studio. This is not me!

A FEW DAYS LATER: The meds must be about all out of my system. I was crying today at the sites of familiar views from the San Francisco area. I was watching some crime drama tv show. I get SO HOMESICK sometimes! I called in as doc said to and arranged for the new script to be filled. I do not want to get back to that sad weepy puddle again! I'll keep you posted on the results.

Someone asked me about sharing the meds I've tried. I tend to not do that because everyone reacts differently to different medicines. This will be the fourth one I will be trying. I actually took this over 17 years ago when going through a nasty divorce. I don't recall anything negative or positive about it. I like trying the older medicines that have long track records though.

I came across this the other day and found it kinda fun:

I am still leading the yoga class on Monday and Friday. For now I plan to keep on doing that. Other than that, life is pretty quiet with a busy autumn looming. I am looking forward to that!

Hope you are all doing well out there! Walk-On!

Who, me? Worry?

This saying is SO me! I need to work on not worrying so much about stuff. 

If you can't see beauty in yourself, get a better mirror.

Have you heard of "TED Talks"? There are a lot of interesting and inspirational stories on their site. I was listening to a recent one and I LOVE this quote from it:

Isn't that a great thought?!? If you click on the 'Abby cartoon' it will take you to the whole video that I got the quote from. 

Doing GREAT here!

Walk-On!!!

Here we go!

Well, who'd a thunk it? The scotch was messing me up much more than I realized! My system is back to normal. I am not craving a drink. I didn't have any alcohol on Monday. I had three glasses of wine on Tuesday as we had gone out to eat and to play music at an open mic night. I had nothing on Wednesday or Thursday, even though both days were stressful.

I am still going to have wine on the weekends. I have for years and just don't feel like worrying about it now. One step at a time as I get my head screwed on right again.

I just finished those two thirty day exercise challenges and started new ones. They are going quite well! I do leg lifts:

I am repeating the squat challenge, adding two five pound hand weights. I am doing the knee to elbow twists too. My knee and elbow don't get too close together though. Not yet anyway. I am still walking at least ten minutes a day too!

The other exercise is called Starfish. You lift opposite leg and arm to each other while laying down.

I am also still teaching yoga on Monday and Friday. I think I will make that Friday class a permanent one. I get lots of feed back from it that makes me feel so good about myself!

Things are looking up! Let's go for a walk!

It's not easy being me..(at least I am not a frog!)

Ribbit!

It's not easy to love myself. I have no excuses. It is not easy to write about some things … like admitting I have a drinking problem. Or admitting I weigh 220 pounds (up twenty pounds from January). It isn't easy admitting I spend a lot of time sitting in my rocker recliner while watching old episodes of Thriller and Alfred Hitchcock. My head is not on as straight as I'd like it to be, but then, was it ever?

I have not figured out the why of everything. I keep trying. I have upped my yoga to three times a week. The next thing will be to add strength training after the Monday and Friday yoga. Once the weather cools down, I plan to walk more.

I did a lot of research and have decided to pass on being certified in yoga. I am not comfortable with where the money goes and what you get in return for it. I would do better by taking classes from different teachers, by reading more books, and by researching online. Right now, I am teaching two days a week. I am substituting for our regular yoga leader on Mondays. I started offering a Friday class after several people expressed an interest. Eventually, I will be leading just the Friday classes. I keep getting this awesome feedback from my fellow practitioners! I feel this is the right step to take.

Last night was the first night in a LONG time that I didn't have anything to drink. Magically, the IBS cleared up. Gee, do you think two or three scotch and waters might mess up your gut? DUH! I plan to allow myself a little more time to be sure the drinking is back under control and not an every night thing before seeing my doctor too. If I continue to be a lump for most of the day, I will be talking to my doctor about the meds I am on. Perhaps they are making me sleepier than I thought? Right now, at this point, I do not plan to be alcohol free, just alcohol sensible. That means not drinking every night and definitely staying away from hard liquor! It seems like I go through this drinking crap every ten or so years. At least for today, I am confident that this latest binge is over.

In an easier topic to talk about, I finished the two thirty day challenges yesterday! That means I did 125 sit-ups, 200 crunches, 65 leg lifts, and a two minute plank. and 175 squats yesterday for my last challenge. My form was questionable. I didn't do sit-ups and crunches on the floor. I did them on my bed. I DID do them though! I seem to enjoy challenges. I am still walking ten minutes (or more) per day and still have not smoked a single cigarette this year. Yay me!

My next 30 day challenge is to repeat the squat challenge and add five pound weights to make it harder. I am also going to add this Muffin-top challenge:

At the same time, I am working to cut back on the alcohol. I am also working to watch my portions and to keep eating healthy. I will NOT give up.
Thank you to so many that take a moment to comment on my blog postings. There are a few of you that email me directly too and for that I am also grateful. I don't think I could do this without you and my support group. THANK YOU!
And now it is time for me to do a ten minute, Walk On y'all!!!

Fail … NOT

So ya, I have been ignoring you. I don't like to blog when I am not performing up to my own standards. I am still not back on track. My current downfall has been that I've been drinking too much. WTF is it with addictive personalities??? If it isn't food it is alcohol. If it isn't alcohol it is cigarettes. If it isn't cigarettes it is food. If it isn't alcohol it is shopping. What AM I searching for? What is lacking in my life? I have not figured it out just yet.
However, kudos to me for not giving up! I may not be doing as good as I should, could, would, want, hope, wish, to be doing, but I am not giving up. I would have given up long ago if I hadn't changed at least some part of my personality and life.

Believe it or not, my eating is still mostly clean and healthy. However, after a MONTH of having a bottle of wine a night, my tummy has expanded a full SEVEN inches!!!!!!

I know I have to cut this out and I am working on that. I am down to two bottles of wine over the weekend. I have NOT smoked at all this year, though I have come close. I am also still walking ten minutes per day. 

Now that summer is here, my 13 year old son and I will go out biking more. Our first outing was this week. We got to the trail and headed out. I noticed my tire was low. We stopped at a repair station, on the bike trail and tried to pump air into the tire. We ended up making the tire flatter than it was! I had no choice but to walk the 2.5 miles back to the van; and it was so hot and humid!!!

I've been practicing yoga for over three years now. It is the one exercise that I have kept up, out of all the exercises I've tried. For the past several months I have been substituting as a volunteer yoga teacher at our local senior center. Our regular teacher has been out with knee surgeries. I have found that I rather like teaching. I get a lot of kudos from my fellow practitioners. 

Perhaps, instead of fighting the thought of being recognized as "That woman who lost all that weight" and someone who knows all the answers for exercising and eating right, perhaps, I should embrace this newer version of me?

This in mind, I am toying with the idea of becoming a certified yoga instructor. The biggest thing that is holding me back is the expense. It costs about $3,000 for the classes and materials. It takes nine months to complete. I am tripping up over the expense of taking the classes. It isn't that I am not worth it. It is more that it is a hardship to afford that much money. I am not sure that this is a path I should take. The money is the negative part. We could carpet several rooms in the house. We could buy a new dishwasher. There are so many practical things we could do with that money. 

There are many positive aspects to becoming certified. I could be an advocate for heavier people and people in their senior years who think yoga isn't for them. I might even be able to get paid a little for my services. Of course having a bunch of people bowing down before me, has nothing to do with it!

That is the latest from this crazy house. I really am doing well, other than not working as hard as I should to figure out how to take off the weight I've gained. I am more happy than not. We've been playing music at the tavern and that makes me feel good. OH! I have also kept up with that Abs challenge and a squat challenge for June. NOT easy!!!! But I AM doing it. GO ME!!! hahahaha

Walk-on dear readers…it is the least we can do!

Tummy Tucking

Restarting again, again. I got over my 'thing' with not going into my sewing studio. The fabric therapy has definitely helped me! I am not sure I can do this June challenge, but take a look at this:

It has been all over FB and I don't know the origins of this challenge. I know my form will be non-existent, but am wondering if I can somehow DO this? I will let you know.

Plans are to update you on more of what is and is not going on in my life. It is not pretty nor is it awful. It is what it is.

Till then, if you can, Walk-On!

I am still out here

Don't Worry, Be Happy!

Sometimes we need to take a step back and regroup. I am in the process of doing that now. I have a lot of different 'parts' of me that tug me in many directions. Like a diamond, I have many facets.
I am an artist with fabric, paper, and pen. I am a crafter. I am a writer. I am a wife. I am a mother. I am a yoga instructor (sometimes)….a financier….a gardener…a musician….a costume maker….a member of two quilt guilds….a member of a senior center….a leader of a support group….an avid reader….a chef….a chauffeur….a personal shopper. I exercise every day, and do lots more. You get the idea. Where do I find time for all this stuff???

I am working out what is the most important for me to do; figuring out what I WANT to do, and trimming off where I can so that I am not so overwhelmed. I feel like I am on the cusp of really learning who I am. It is frustrating and fascinating at the same time.

The Minstrel Cid

Lady Ellen, Master Thomas, Minstrel Cid

Recently my family and I went to two renaissance faires. Have you ever been to one? They are based on Elizabethan times, around the 1500-1600's, in England.
We are traveling minstrels; a family of three. We play several different instruments and love being entertainers.

 We like it so much that when we are not performing at renfaires we seek other venues to play at. We finally found a local venue just last week. It was an 'open mike' night where any musician could take a turn at playing on a little stage. This is myself and my husband, enjoying that fun night:

Anyway, back to the renfaires…..It was a long ride to and from the event, and I had a lot of thinking time. I  thought more about not wanting my life to be all about weight loss and exercise. I am so much more than a number on a scale. I do not want to define myself by how much weight I lose or how much weight I keep off. That is a PART of me, but I do not want it to define who or what I am.
I still want to encourage folks. I still want to help where and when I can. I just need to prioritize things differently. I think this has been the source of some of the struggling and depression I've dealt with over the past year or so.

Abby goes to the renaissance faire too!

SO, I have started taking Saturdays off. This changes my usual Saturday routine. I did not go to the support group. It felt so freeing! I did feel a little guilty, but I enjoyed spending time with my husband and son more. All week long they are at work and in school. The weekends were the only time to really see them and to spend quality time with them both! I think I am on to something by getting back to the real me, the person I am and the person I want to really be.

Once you lose weight, you are only changed on the outside. Your inside self is still pretty much the same. If you haven't addressed issues, you will still have those issues. That is why so many who lose weight, gain it back. They were able to rise to the challenge of weight loss, but once there, then what? Did they magically change? Not if they didn't address why they overate in the first place. Maintenance is hard. If you've never been a healthy weight, it is hard to figure out what your 'real life' your healthier-you-life should be. We slip and stumble and slide and fall.

Maintenance means we get back up and keep working on figuring out what that means to us, to our unique self. Do we need to change something else to keep from sliding? Do we need a cane to steady us to keep us from stumbling? Do we need to hang on to the sides of the slide to keep from sliding too fast and too far? Do we need a hand, some help, to get up after a fall?
Learning what it is that we need to fix, change, work on differently, is what maintenance is all about. It will always be a part of us, a part of our new and improved lives. It takes time. So give yourself some!

In health news around the web, it is said that early morning sunshine helps you lose weight! It is something about the endorphins and the way the sun affects the brain. Go get some sun in the morning and see how skinny you get!

Want a good coating for baked fish or chicken? Grind up some rolled oats (oatmeal) and use that instead of flour.

It is spring time. The weather is turning around and walking is picking up. Ziva likes hitting the trails as much as I do! We've gone for several long walks each week. It feels so good!

Speaking of feeling good, exercise is important. If you don't like what you are doing for exercise, try something new! Keep trying different things until you find several that you like. Walking is my base exercise of choice. I also do yoga two days a week. I like that too! I have tried many different types of exercises. The newest one I plan to start is working with a kettlebell. I have no clue if I will like it or not!

Finally, exercise does not have to be an organized specific event. Gardening is exercise. I worked for several hours, with my young son, to join the garden on the left to the one on the right. It was fun and it turned out so good! I really slept well that night.

Speaking of sleep, it is now bedtime. I need to tuck Abby and Ziva in and get some Z's. Tomorrow promises to be a busy but fun day!

Walk On dear readers!

Walker Lady - Reloading

So I stayed off the scale for a month and gained almost ten pounds. Ain't that just a kick in the head? I know I've been skating along for the past year and this weight gain really is no surprise. I just kept thinking the fat loss fairy was going to hang around even though I was eating more and exercising less…a LOT less.

I'd been listening to some older podcasts from Heather's selections on "Half Size Me". This particular episode was from August 2012. She interviewed a woman who had lost 120 pounds and had another 120 to go. She sounded so positive and promising. I went and looked up her blog to see how she was doing now and discovered that she had gained a lot of the weight back. Ack! I feel so bad for folks like that. It is SO common too.

Which plan of attack do I try? What do I change first?

I read that getting as little as 23-30 minutes of sunlight before noon can affect your BMI by 20% for the better!

I am NOT going to be one of those who loses all that weight and then puts it all back on again! I do not want to go back there! I know a wise woman with a lot of great advice. I shall start listening to her again. I hear she goes for lots of walks with her dog.

Where do we go from here?

If you could visit with anyone from the past, who would it be? Would you want to visit with a famous person? Or a family member? Once you were done visiting, what then? Do they just go poof, back in to the other world?

I have been wondering about "what then" as it pertains to me.
I lost a bunch of weight, what happened then?
 I'm gaining some back.
Why?
Because I am not eating as good as I was and not exercising as hard as I used to.
Why?
Because I've gotten lazy and distracted.

What is distracting you?
Well, every week my brain and I jump around various thoughts and in no particular order, some of these are:

• I need to remember to do my ten minute walk every day
• I plan meals for myself and my family as well as making those meals. (one drawback of healthier eating is taking time to prepare more of your meals from scratch)
• I have yoga class twice a week and currently am also teaching one of those classes….this involves time prepping for class by watching videos, reading, or watching yoga classes on TV.
• I have the weight loss and healthy living class twice per week. I co-lead that and it also involves research to be prepared to have a topic of discussion, among other things.
• I need to practice playing my music for our performances. This is not easy because I can't read music!
• I want to draw and develop Abby and Ziva cartoons
• I want to make art dolls, I want to make more quilts, I want to make more art quilts
• All the work involved with keeping a house in order...cooking, cleaning, shopping, balancing the checkbook, making appointments, laundry, errand running, taking and picking up my son from school, etc.
• Writing a book…I keep being told to write a book. 
• Checking FaceBook, emails, newsletters, and other time suckers on the computer.
• Making decisions for the family. This is harder to explain, but I am the driving force behind whether or not we get a new sofa, or tear down the old shed, or comparison shop for a new shed, or replacing vs repairing my vehicle. Hubby is sweet and mostly says whatever I want is ok. That is a lot of added responsibility though.
• Worrying. Yes, I worry too much. I worry about not only myself but my family, both here and extended. Is everyone happy? If not, can I make them happier? Are they healthy? How much should I push to encourage changes in anything? 
• How will we afford to send youngest to college?
• Toss in wanting to get an RV again and to travel again. I miss that SO much! We can't get one though. No, wait, we COULD get one, but it would really hurt the budget and be very irresponsible.
• I want to smoke cigarettes but know I should not. (I've resisted so far this year)
• I enjoy my wine. The stigma of drinking any alcohol makes me feel a bit guilty because my parents were heavy drinkers.
• Dealing with the past because we made the biggest mistake of our lives by leaving California when we did. I know the past is past and we can't change it, but it still bites and hurts.We lost so much, and feel too old to start all over again.
• Hating where we live but feeling trapped here.

That is a lot to think about.
Yes, I know!
Why do you think it is hard to figure out where to go from here?
I think part of it is that I am afraid of making a mistake. I mentioned the huge mistake we made by leaving California. There are other smaller ones that all add up. I've tried to get the right sofa for our family room without spending several thousand dollars on one that the cats would shred. So far I have tried four sofas over six years and none of them has worked out. This means I've cost the family precious dollars.

Why do you think you are so hung up on money?
Of course it doesn't grow on trees, so there's that. We lost most all our life savings in the move, and jobs here don't pay what they did there. We can't get ahead anymore. We are just coasting. That means that every time I buy something that doesn't work out or is wasted, I've thrown away money that will take a long time to make up. My ex-husband was also super frugal and he had major issues with how I spent money. Details don't really matter, but 20+ years of marriage to him gave me a lot of money worrying brainwashing to deal with now.

Where do you go from here?
One thing I think I need to do is to define exactly, or more exactly, where I want to go for the rest of my life. How much time do I want to devote to what interests me most? How can I find happiness now? I used to join in a lot of online swaps with fellow quilters. I miss that. I didn't realize just how much until recently.

You know, this sounds like goal setting, don't you?
Yes, I suppose it does. Just as soon as I find the time to sit down and work on it.

Would you still love me if...?

I am musing about something tonight and wondered if I wasn't all about weight loss, would I still have followers? What if I went on an adventure? I mean a real honest to goodness adventure? Would you still read my blog? Perhaps you would read it more!
hmmmmmmmmmm

Walk-on dear readers…I'll keep you posted

Happy Trails to Youuuuuuuu, till we meet again!

Well hello there! How are ya? I'm fine. No, really, I AM! 

I am doing a lot better and have been for several weeks now. I don't have all the answers yet, but I am figuring out the questions better! To catch you up on a few things, I am off all meds now. Seems I am not the chronically depressed type person that needs to be on a medication to cope. Now I might need a short term zap now and then, but overall, I don't seem to need a full blown antidepressant.

I understand that some people DO need medications and I have no problem with that. I do not doubt that full blown depression is a serious illness that the right medications can really help with. In my case, I honestly feel that my doctor was just trying to help in the easiest way he could, by tossing me a pill that would instantly 'fix' me. I would agree that there have been times when a medicine was the best thing for a short term bout of stress, for me. I do not think I need to take an antidepressant on a regular basis for months or years. We shall see if I am right or wrong. For now, I am grateful that life is on track and I seem to be coming out of my winter funk.

Does this mean I am magically never depressed? Of course not! Does this mean I will never need to take a medication to help me over an especially stressful period in life? Piffle! I might need help in the future. The difference is that now I will be asking for short term help, not months' worth of scary pills.

Ok, enough depressing talk! On to other things that piss me off bug me. There was a blog post on a web site that I go to every Sunday, regarding eating disorders. I was a bit miffed that most of it talked about the anorexics and bulimics and not the obese. The posting had a link to an eating disorder self test and help for "College Students" and "General Public". I don't have a disorder, according to their tests. So what DO I have? I didn't get as fat as I was from breathing fumes from the Fat Fairy's magic wand! Where am I going with this? I am just complaining. Being chronically overweight is an eating disorder. I think it is still thought of differently though, than those who starve themselves or throw up after binging. Just sayin'.

I have also been trying to figure out what my Happy Weight will be. At one time, I thought 5'9" and 150 pounds would be superb! That is what the charts said I should be at…at least when I was in my 20s. Of course that doesn't work quite as well for a woman who is almost 60. Now I think the ideal weight would be 175.

That is the IDEAL weight, I am not saying it is a realistic one for me, nor what my Happy Weight would be. Right now my Happy Weight would be anything back in one-derland!!!

Yippee!!! 199.999999 pounds! (someday soon)

I will have to work on that. Once I am back in one-derland, I will see how I feel. Perhaps I will find that my Happy Weight is not a number so much as it is a feeling. I could be just sitting here fooling myself too. I'll keep you posted.

Last week I went for a long walk on the trails with a friend of mine. I hadn't been out there for months! I forgot how good that can make me feel!!! I felt so good that I went out again on Friday. Following is the first of what I hope to be many, Trail Tails:

We've had a bout of late spring type weather. This means temperatures in the 60s and 70s. The sun was shining and the time was right to get out and breath some clean fresh air! I was stoked and ready to enjoy my long walk. I had no idea how badly I had missed my trail!!!

If Ziva could have human expressions, she would have had the most astonished look when we turned to go to the trail instead of staying on the streets. "Really Mommy? We are really going down to the REAL trail???!!!! Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!!!" And she bounced around me as we headed down the hill to the trail head.

It was downright criminal, how wonderful that day was! The sun was shining and the birds were singing! There were some early spring flowers poking their heads out. Granted there weren't any butterflies, but there should have been, as nice out as it was!

There was one scary part of the trail. We heard a noise off to our right. As we neared the area I expected to perhaps see a deer! Then I heard voices. I tightened my grip on Ziva's leash and was on guard for any funny business.

All of a sudden, from out of the bushes I was attacked by a Ginger!!!! "ACK! RUN ZIVA, RUN AWAY!!!!"

Oh the horror of it all! We barely escaped with our lives! Gingers are very scary beings. I've heard all the horror stories on South Park. 

Ziva says "Mom, it looked like a kid with red hair, just cutting a branch off a tree." 

I don't believe Ziva. She is a dog. I am a human. I am the smarter one!

Tonight we have winter weather threats again, for later in the week. I know those in the north are having it a tougher, so you'll have to believe me when I say that here in the south, this is pretty rough. I hope we don't get snowed in or iced in again!

When the weather turns nice again, may all your trails become happier ones! Sunshine makes everything happier! Well, unless you're in a drought state. Or the desert, with no water. Or you are sunburned. Then it isn't as happy.

Walk-on!

Almost, but not Quite

Is there such a thing as being "almost depressed"? That is somewhat, what I struggle with. When someone says they are depressed, do you automatically think they are suicidal? I have no suicidal thoughts. Perhaps my depression does not need medication but needs talk therapy. I think I will look into that more. I am not liking the side affects of my current meds and truly believe that my doctor meant well, but threw pills at me instead of making other suggestions that don't have quick fixes.

In other news, the trainer just is not going to work out. He met with me, was going to arrange sessions and then bailed on me again. I think over a year of trying should tell me that it is time to give up on him.

I am on to plan B. The weight loss support group is going to meet twice a week for strength training exercises. I am hoping the accountability will help us all work on strength training in a positive way with a good outcome. I may even work on a routine so those who are new to strength training, can follow along easier.

That's it for today. Short posting, no photos. I am off to my meeting and my ten minute (or more) walk!

Till next time, Walk-On!!!

What Then?

"I want to get to my goal weight and be happy."
"You're not happy now?"
"I will be happier when I've lost all this weight."
"How will you be different then? Why does a few pounds make you a happier person?"
"Well...well because all my troubles will magically go away when I am thinner!"
"Do you think thin people are always happy?"
"I suppose they are sometimes unhappy, but being thinner must make them just happier people in general."
"Do you know how ridiculous you sound?"
"Um, ya, I guess I do."

I've been a bit under the weather lately.

Call it the winter blues, Seasonal Affective Disorder, cabin fever, gray skies, or depression…I have had a bout of it. It is under control now. I am doing better. Thank you to those who sent words of encouragement.

Depression is a very scary word to many people, including myself. I hate/loath/detest the thought that taking a little pill can help me cope with the world so much easier. Why can't I just suck it up and get over myself? Why do I keep feeling the urge to have a pity party full of tears and angst when I am not taking an anti-depressant? I have tried three different drugs over the past four years. I hate feeling dependent on them but I like having the roller-coaster rides stop when I am taking them. I like feeling more in control. I do not like admitting I need this type of help. I still do not fully accept that I do, indeed, NEED these to cope with life. I will probably try going without again, once the weather changes and I can get outside more. This is what I am telling myself anyway. Right now, this very moment, I don't know what else to say about it.

So, changing topics ... I listen to podcasts all the time. A recent one gave me a small epiphany. I do not believe in myself yet. I do not believe I can keep most all the weight off that I lost. I still think I will gain it all back. I try to trick myself into thinking I won't, but then I start dinking around and having an extra bite of this or that, or I come up with another excuse to not change up my exercise routines. I like being in this rut. I like trying to fool myself into thinking I will be just fine without changing certain things in my life. I like thinking the Foodie Fairy will wave her magic wand and take out all those extra calories found in peanut brittle.


I touch and dance away and touch again. What can I get away with? Can I eat the extra English muffin every morning and get away with it? Can I have that wine on the weekend and not gain weight? Does it really matter?

These are the games I (we) play. Even as I write them down, I know I won't play this game again and gain all my weight back. Even though I do not totally believe in myself, I have not totally given up on myself either. This is one huge thing that is different this time around. I truly am NOT working that hard on maintaining a healthy weight or getting to a goal weight right now. I haven't really worked that hard on this, all along. It took such tiny changes to make, to get spectacular results! Now I am down to the last few pounds though. What I need to figure out is just how much work I am willing to put in to being at a certain weight. What will I cut back on, or give up, or change, in order to weigh less? I don't know yet. I am still trying to figure that out. I have heard this called "finding your happy weight". That is what I am searching for right now...I am trying to find my happy weight.

I actually had one less English muffin for breakfast, two times, this week. That is a step in the right direction. I don't need the extra muffin to feel full or satisfied. Why did I think I needed it? Because it was there. Really. It was there, therefore I must eat it. I used to eat two muffins (and more), so I should be able to do that again but not gain weight, right? What kind of reasoning is this? It is the reasoning that many of us have when fighting food fights. Irrational thoughts. Now I am in the process of learning what rational thoughts are like.

Learning how to live at a healthy weight after having had weight issues for well over 40 years, will take some time. I experiment with myself all the time. I learn new things every week about how to live a healthier life and how to actually LIKE living a healthier life. I keep searching to find my personal "Happy Weight" and this will take more time.

Another thing I'd like to ask you is this; if you were already weighing what you wanted to weigh, how would your life be? What would it be like? What, then? Do you think you will magically change into a unicorn? How about a ballerina? Will everyone suddenly notice you and like you more? You lose the weight...what then?

In other news, the organic strawberries actually looked good this week, in the grocery store. They are terribly expensive still, but oh my they tasted so much better than the non-organic ones. I splurged and got two boxes of them to enjoy. Yummy!

I have kept up with both my resolutions this year. I am still smoke-free and I have walked ten or more minutes every day. Today I went out because I saw it was snowing! We have had ice and sleet but very little actual snow. It felt good, hitting my face as Ziva and I went for our walk. I might have felt different about this if I lived back in Minnesota or on the East Coast. Sorry guys, here in the south, it was a treat for me!

This is it for today! I hope I've given you some food for thought...this type of food has no calories, additives, chemicals, or restrictions! Enjoy! And as we figure all this out, walk on dear readers, walk on!