Happy Trails to Youuuuuuuu, till we meet again!

Well hello there! How are ya? I'm fine. No, really, I AM! 

I am doing a lot better and have been for several weeks now. I don't have all the answers yet, but I am figuring out the questions better! To catch you up on a few things, I am off all meds now. Seems I am not the chronically depressed type person that needs to be on a medication to cope. Now I might need a short term zap now and then, but overall, I don't seem to need a full blown antidepressant.

I understand that some people DO need medications and I have no problem with that. I do not doubt that full blown depression is a serious illness that the right medications can really help with. In my case, I honestly feel that my doctor was just trying to help in the easiest way he could, by tossing me a pill that would instantly 'fix' me. I would agree that there have been times when a medicine was the best thing for a short term bout of stress, for me. I do not think I need to take an antidepressant on a regular basis for months or years. We shall see if I am right or wrong. For now, I am grateful that life is on track and I seem to be coming out of my winter funk.

Does this mean I am magically never depressed? Of course not! Does this mean I will never need to take a medication to help me over an especially stressful period in life? Piffle! I might need help in the future. The difference is that now I will be asking for short term help, not months' worth of scary pills.

Ok, enough depressing talk! On to other things that piss me off bug me. There was a blog post on a web site that I go to every Sunday, regarding eating disorders. I was a bit miffed that most of it talked about the anorexics and bulimics and not the obese. The posting had a link to an eating disorder self test and help for "College Students" and "General Public". I don't have a disorder, according to their tests. So what DO I have? I didn't get as fat as I was from breathing fumes from the Fat Fairy's magic wand! Where am I going with this? I am just complaining. Being chronically overweight is an eating disorder. I think it is still thought of differently though, than those who starve themselves or throw up after binging. Just sayin'.

I have also been trying to figure out what my Happy Weight will be. At one time, I thought 5'9" and 150 pounds would be superb! That is what the charts said I should be at…at least when I was in my 20s. Of course that doesn't work quite as well for a woman who is almost 60. Now I think the ideal weight would be 175.

That is the IDEAL weight, I am not saying it is a realistic one for me, nor what my Happy Weight would be. Right now my Happy Weight would be anything back in one-derland!!!

Yippee!!! 199.999999 pounds! (someday soon)

I will have to work on that. Once I am back in one-derland, I will see how I feel. Perhaps I will find that my Happy Weight is not a number so much as it is a feeling. I could be just sitting here fooling myself too. I'll keep you posted.

Last week I went for a long walk on the trails with a friend of mine. I hadn't been out there for months! I forgot how good that can make me feel!!! I felt so good that I went out again on Friday. Following is the first of what I hope to be many, Trail Tails:

We've had a bout of late spring type weather. This means temperatures in the 60s and 70s. The sun was shining and the time was right to get out and breath some clean fresh air! I was stoked and ready to enjoy my long walk. I had no idea how badly I had missed my trail!!!

If Ziva could have human expressions, she would have had the most astonished look when we turned to go to the trail instead of staying on the streets. "Really Mommy? We are really going down to the REAL trail???!!!! Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!!!" And she bounced around me as we headed down the hill to the trail head.

It was downright criminal, how wonderful that day was! The sun was shining and the birds were singing! There were some early spring flowers poking their heads out. Granted there weren't any butterflies, but there should have been, as nice out as it was!

There was one scary part of the trail. We heard a noise off to our right. As we neared the area I expected to perhaps see a deer! Then I heard voices. I tightened my grip on Ziva's leash and was on guard for any funny business.

All of a sudden, from out of the bushes I was attacked by a Ginger!!!! "ACK! RUN ZIVA, RUN AWAY!!!!"

Oh the horror of it all! We barely escaped with our lives! Gingers are very scary beings. I've heard all the horror stories on South Park. 

Ziva says "Mom, it looked like a kid with red hair, just cutting a branch off a tree." 

I don't believe Ziva. She is a dog. I am a human. I am the smarter one!

Tonight we have winter weather threats again, for later in the week. I know those in the north are having it a tougher, so you'll have to believe me when I say that here in the south, this is pretty rough. I hope we don't get snowed in or iced in again!

When the weather turns nice again, may all your trails become happier ones! Sunshine makes everything happier! Well, unless you're in a drought state. Or the desert, with no water. Or you are sunburned. Then it isn't as happy.

Walk-on!

Almost, but not Quite

Is there such a thing as being "almost depressed"? That is somewhat, what I struggle with. When someone says they are depressed, do you automatically think they are suicidal? I have no suicidal thoughts. Perhaps my depression does not need medication but needs talk therapy. I think I will look into that more. I am not liking the side affects of my current meds and truly believe that my doctor meant well, but threw pills at me instead of making other suggestions that don't have quick fixes.

In other news, the trainer just is not going to work out. He met with me, was going to arrange sessions and then bailed on me again. I think over a year of trying should tell me that it is time to give up on him.

I am on to plan B. The weight loss support group is going to meet twice a week for strength training exercises. I am hoping the accountability will help us all work on strength training in a positive way with a good outcome. I may even work on a routine so those who are new to strength training, can follow along easier.

That's it for today. Short posting, no photos. I am off to my meeting and my ten minute (or more) walk!

Till next time, Walk-On!!!

What Then?

"I want to get to my goal weight and be happy."
"You're not happy now?"
"I will be happier when I've lost all this weight."
"How will you be different then? Why does a few pounds make you a happier person?"
"Well...well because all my troubles will magically go away when I am thinner!"
"Do you think thin people are always happy?"
"I suppose they are sometimes unhappy, but being thinner must make them just happier people in general."
"Do you know how ridiculous you sound?"
"Um, ya, I guess I do."

I've been a bit under the weather lately.

Call it the winter blues, Seasonal Affective Disorder, cabin fever, gray skies, or depression…I have had a bout of it. It is under control now. I am doing better. Thank you to those who sent words of encouragement.

Depression is a very scary word to many people, including myself. I hate/loath/detest the thought that taking a little pill can help me cope with the world so much easier. Why can't I just suck it up and get over myself? Why do I keep feeling the urge to have a pity party full of tears and angst when I am not taking an anti-depressant? I have tried three different drugs over the past four years. I hate feeling dependent on them but I like having the roller-coaster rides stop when I am taking them. I like feeling more in control. I do not like admitting I need this type of help. I still do not fully accept that I do, indeed, NEED these to cope with life. I will probably try going without again, once the weather changes and I can get outside more. This is what I am telling myself anyway. Right now, this very moment, I don't know what else to say about it.

So, changing topics ... I listen to podcasts all the time. A recent one gave me a small epiphany. I do not believe in myself yet. I do not believe I can keep most all the weight off that I lost. I still think I will gain it all back. I try to trick myself into thinking I won't, but then I start dinking around and having an extra bite of this or that, or I come up with another excuse to not change up my exercise routines. I like being in this rut. I like trying to fool myself into thinking I will be just fine without changing certain things in my life. I like thinking the Foodie Fairy will wave her magic wand and take out all those extra calories found in peanut brittle.


I touch and dance away and touch again. What can I get away with? Can I eat the extra English muffin every morning and get away with it? Can I have that wine on the weekend and not gain weight? Does it really matter?

These are the games I (we) play. Even as I write them down, I know I won't play this game again and gain all my weight back. Even though I do not totally believe in myself, I have not totally given up on myself either. This is one huge thing that is different this time around. I truly am NOT working that hard on maintaining a healthy weight or getting to a goal weight right now. I haven't really worked that hard on this, all along. It took such tiny changes to make, to get spectacular results! Now I am down to the last few pounds though. What I need to figure out is just how much work I am willing to put in to being at a certain weight. What will I cut back on, or give up, or change, in order to weigh less? I don't know yet. I am still trying to figure that out. I have heard this called "finding your happy weight". That is what I am searching for right now...I am trying to find my happy weight.

I actually had one less English muffin for breakfast, two times, this week. That is a step in the right direction. I don't need the extra muffin to feel full or satisfied. Why did I think I needed it? Because it was there. Really. It was there, therefore I must eat it. I used to eat two muffins (and more), so I should be able to do that again but not gain weight, right? What kind of reasoning is this? It is the reasoning that many of us have when fighting food fights. Irrational thoughts. Now I am in the process of learning what rational thoughts are like.

Learning how to live at a healthy weight after having had weight issues for well over 40 years, will take some time. I experiment with myself all the time. I learn new things every week about how to live a healthier life and how to actually LIKE living a healthier life. I keep searching to find my personal "Happy Weight" and this will take more time.

Another thing I'd like to ask you is this; if you were already weighing what you wanted to weigh, how would your life be? What would it be like? What, then? Do you think you will magically change into a unicorn? How about a ballerina? Will everyone suddenly notice you and like you more? You lose the weight...what then?

In other news, the organic strawberries actually looked good this week, in the grocery store. They are terribly expensive still, but oh my they tasted so much better than the non-organic ones. I splurged and got two boxes of them to enjoy. Yummy!

I have kept up with both my resolutions this year. I am still smoke-free and I have walked ten or more minutes every day. Today I went out because I saw it was snowing! We have had ice and sleet but very little actual snow. It felt good, hitting my face as Ziva and I went for our walk. I might have felt different about this if I lived back in Minnesota or on the East Coast. Sorry guys, here in the south, it was a treat for me!

This is it for today! I hope I've given you some food for thought...this type of food has no calories, additives, chemicals, or restrictions! Enjoy! And as we figure all this out, walk on dear readers, walk on!