That "inner mean girl"

Bullying is an often heard topic these days. It is a serious problem that can devistate younger people. It happens in older folks too, but we're supposed to know better and handle it better, since we are SO much more mature.

Bologna

What if I told you that there was this gal who was bullying me? She told me that because I talk about losing weight but don't always practice what I preach, that I was a fake.
She said because I don't walk enough, I will just get fatter and fatter.
She said because I like to drink wine every night, that I was an alcoholic.
She said because I struggled with wanting to smoke cigarettes, that I was a weakling.
She said that because I had a fat belly, that I looked like a fat old lady and was ugly!
She said that because I gained some of the weight back that I had lost a few years ago, that I was a loser and would never be able to keep the weight off for very long.
She called me a failure.

Who was this awful person? WHY did I let her in my life? WHY did I listen to her? Why? Well, because SHE is actually ME. She is the inner mean girl that puts me down over and over again. Her voice is often way too loud. She hurts my feelings. She makes me doubt myself. She hates me.

In a post over on Roni's blog, she talks about the stories that this inner mean girl tells her too. Here is an excerpt:

The Stories You Tell Yourself

Skinny-ness is a state of mind

"Losing weight, for some of us, is more of mind game then anything else. It’s not impossible but it sure is difficult to achieve a goal that’s so clearly undefined and drenched in emotional baggage. Instead, what I’m suggesting is that you place your focus squarely on becoming a healthy, happy, balanced person, rather than a skinny one and you may be surprised at what you can succeed.
I started just doing less and less because I didn’t like the body I was in, the body I put myself in."

---

This really spoke to me. I read the comments from others who do this too. How do we fight this inner mean girl's words?

I HAVE been wanting to get "back on track" and have slid down the slippery slope of self loathing and self defeating talk. Abby is suffering right along with me.

She's been coasting along, full of self loathing and self pity. She hasn't wanted to walk, even though she's heard it numerous times from others, that she should be walking like she used to. She's watched the scale creep up and up.
Sweet Dexter, the wonder dog, is sad too. He would be happy to go walking with her. Sure, he isn't as fearsome looking as Ziva was, but he still would be a good partner to hit the trails with.

Tomorrow is August first AND it is a Monday. Abby and I are hoping that somehow we will pull ourselves together and begin again, to make the changes needed to get back on track to a healthier life. We want to reverse the weight gaining trend, get out and walk again, and just be the people we want to be!

I hope the mean girl gets gobsmacked upside her pretty little warped head and goes away for a while. We will keep you posted.

One last bit. Some of the goings on in the world right now, sure don't help matters. Abby thinks we are being invaded:

That makes as much sense as how things seem to be going, doesn't it? 

Until next time, let's all walk-on!!!

Well, that was fun!

So ya, it HAS been over a month since I last posted. Gosh, I feel like a new woman! Nothing has changed much, except for my attitude.

So, ya, um, why DID my attitude change? Let me tell you. I went camping. Yup, I did.

No, this isn't me. This is my Mom from about 1969. For a few years my Mom and Dad took my two younger sisters and me camping in the summers. I remember those times as some of the best times we had with our folks.

This is a picture from inside our camper. That is Dex, on our bed, looking out the back window. This was his second camping trip with us. The first one was just for two nights. This last one was almost two weeks!

We went from Arkansas, through Missouri, and into Iowa. We stopped at the Grotto of the Redemption. This is a little spot in a little town called West Bend. The stones and rocks were all put in place by a priest many years ago. I cannot capture how neat this place is. You don't even have to be religious to enjoy it. It had special meaning to me as one of the last times I went here, I was with my baby sister. She passed away several years ago at age 48. Yes, I shed a few tears while revisiting this place.

A happier moment happened when my son found a phone booth. Of course he had never seen one in person before. It was not functional but it was neat that he could actually get a feel for what a phone booth was.

From Iowa we went into Minnesota and stopped by my folks' old place in the country. Here is my son, standing at the bridge where my folks' ashes were spread. He got to see their place that they had built together back in the early '70's. They had passed before he was born. I was glad he let me show him some of my past.

We went over to South Dakota to spend a few nights near a high school friend of mine. This is our campsite. Do you see me?

There I am! I was reading a good book. I read two and a half books on this trip. I haven't relaxed like that in .... well, I can't recall when I've relaxed like that! hahahaha

One of my best friends from high school picked us up at the campgrounds and took us to see the falls that Sioux Falls, SD is named for. They were spectacular!

I lived two hours from these waterfalls when I was younger, and never had seen them before!

One thing we did on our camping trip was to try different, local, Polish sausages. These were the best ones, by far. I don't know what they do to make them so good up there, but yummmmmmmmooooo! I cannot find anything close to them, down here in the south.
Actually this is probably a good thing. This isn't exactly within the realm of healthy eating. But man, they are really so good!!!

 Dex was awesome on the trip. We even managed to tire him out once in a while.

 My son became a master S'mores maker.

We visited a cave in southern Minnesota as we swung back east. This is an underground (mini) lake. I am not crazy about caves. I had to try hard to not think about what might happen if the power were to   go out while we were down there!

We headed into Wisconsin to see House on the Rock.
How can one explain what House on the Rock is? There are so many oddities to see. 

Here is one of the many huge metal pots that were around the grounds outside. 

This whale was several stories tall. That is a walkway at the bottom left. One of those teeth could be the size of a person!

 They had all sorts of collections of things, like these masks.

And these airplanes, hanging from the ceiling. They were not little models either. I would say the wingspans were close to ten feet in many cases.

 Here my son and I are about to be swallowed up by a monster!

 This is a diorama of a circus. They had many of these in their collections. 

The figures are only a few inches high.

This is the world's largest, indoor, carousel. There are 80 such animals on it and none are horses! I wish we could have ridden it, but it is for looking at, only.

Of course I had to buy a souvenir at the gift shop.

We're working on this 'selfie' thing here.

On down through Wisconsin, Illinois, Indiana, and into Kentucky we went. I have thousands of photos and just can't share all of them with you! 

This was our last campground in Tennessee. I found a trail to walk on!

Well, hubby found it, but I walked on it a bit too!

Dexter always waited for hubby to come back in the RV when we had stopped to get gas.

And then we came home.

We went 2487 miles in 13 days and hit ten different states! We didn't know what to expect on this trip. At best I was showing my son, my roots. I feel like we came away with so much more though. All of us seemed to have relaxed. All of us seem to want to go camping more often! We might not do such a long trip for a while, but weekends are definitely on the radar.

I cannot describe all the feelings that I experienced on this trip. Connecting with my past, meeting peers from high school, meeting family that I hadn't seen in twenty or more years, sharing time with my husband and son, it was just all so overwhelming, eye opening, and .... I just cannot find the words.

I have started making changes in a few things. I feel renewed energy. I feel more like I want to feel! Will it last? I don't know. I DO know though, that if it doesn't I am still better than I was.  Again, words elude me. 

So, um, now I am off to bed. I've been go-go-going for over a week now, since we got home. But damn, I feel GOOD! 

Till next time, walk-on!!!

Learning Lessons

I've been working on this post for over a month. I apologize for how jumpy it may seem, but if I keep trying for perfection, NOTHING will get posted!!!

I often have things I'd like to write down and share but don't take that time to do so because I don't have a picture to go along with what I am writing.  In order for me to write something witty and full of awesome content, I feel I have to punctuate the posting with adorable photos that will make you smile and draw you in.

This isn't going to be one of those postings.

If I am to believe my GP Doc, I suffer from depression and anxiety. It isn't the super-bad-want-to-kill-myself type of depression. Don't worry about that. It is a day to day existence where I often just don't feel like doing anything. I don't want to get out of bed.

Lately I have been binge-watching five seasons of a show. It is very addicting. I have an addictive personality. Addiction to food. Addiction to drink. Addiction to depression. Is it really addiction?

Those who think they understand how our brains work, do they really think they can blame away so many problems to addictions/disorders/chemical imbalances? Do so many doctors think that throwing a pill at the problem is the only way to fix it? I fight the urge to go see my doc, who would give me a pill in a heartbeat, to try to make it all better. Then I say to myself that it really isn't all that bad, as long as my family is alright with my mood swings, do I need a pill? They say they are willing. Are they really though?

I am so tired of everything.
I do not like living where I am living.
I do not like the mess of our home.
I hate summertime.
I am a doom and gloom blob.

Why am I fat? Cuz I eat too much food! Dammit Does substituting turkey bacon for pork bacon REALLY make that much of a difference? I mean, if you allow for the calories anyway, does it really make a difference?

I am sure that skinny people eat like this:

Egg white and spinach omelets and black coffee and dry toast and veggies coming out of their ears and smoothies and this is just over 1100 calories. Argle bargle.

Folks, I have not figured out the secret to maintaining weight loss yet. I am not giving up though. It has taken years and will probably take more years for me to get to a happy medium between enjoying my life, eating without harming myself, and exercising with enjoyment.

I am just not there yet.

All this depression talk....BAH. It runs in my family. I hope that by speaking out loud about it, that my children will handle it better than I have, and better than I did when I was their age. It has been one of my biggest fears in life, that they too will suffer from depression and not get the help they need to get through the tough spots. AND by help, I don't mean pop a pill but all therapy types, medical and mental.

There is another fear that they, or I, will blindly follow the doctor's advice to take a pill to fix us. In some cases, are we not all looking for that magic pill of some sort? Take a pill and feel better. Take a pill and you will lose weight.

Why are we SO freaking ashamed to admit we have depression? Why, after all these years does there have to be a stigma still attached to mental issues? And why do I obsess about that answer? I don't know. I've done it so long that it seems to be a part of me now.

I did do something different to try to get out of my funk. I went camping. Dexter went along with. We hiked for about four hours, traveling around six miles. PHEW! It was fun. It was very challenging. I want to do it again!

Dex and me, resting on the trail

Here is my son, taking photos at one of the vistas at the state park we were at:

My 15 year old said he'd like to do this again!

Abby roasted marshmallows and made s'mores. She was very worked up before she left to go camping. She was very relaxed when she came home. She wants to go again too.

* * *

Till next time my dear readers, 

Walk-On!

Rainy Friday morning

It CAN be done. Why can't I?

Got that out of my system

Ya, ok, I whined yesterday. Today I had a good talk with my trainer. I haven't given up. I don't have answers but I haven't given up. I need to remember I used to be here:

(about 400lbs)

 And then I was here for many years:

(about 285lbs)

And now I am here:

(222lbs)

I am healthier than I ever was. I am maintaining, even though at a higher weight than I want to be (222) I am maintaining. I need to keep remembering how far I have come!

In other news...

I went on the trail for the first time with Dexter over the weekend. He loved it:

I remembered Ziva. I still miss her and it has been well over a year now since she passed. I took this photo of her on a rock on the trail one day:

 Here's Dex on that same rock:

 Thanks for listening to yesterday's whine. I hope to not repeat that any time too soon. Till next time, Walk-On!

The Trail - April 2016

Pass me that bottle of whine

Just pass it and don't give me any lip.
I am tired.
I am tired of ALL this effort I put in to dropping a few pounds and nothing happens! I feel like this consumes my life. I hate it. I don't want to be defined by my weight loss battles.

But if I don't teach the yoga class one day a week.....
if I don't workout two mornings a week, with the trainer.....
if I stopped leading the weight loss support group.....
if I stopped worrying about every bit of food or drink I put into my mouth....

What then?
What then....?

Sixteen years ago, when I was in my mid 40's, I adopted a lifestyle that dropped weight off like crazy. Basically I ate once a day, Monday thru Friday. The weekends were my off days. I could eat whatever.  I lost 70 pounds. When I got pregnant and the doctor told me I could not keep up with this eating style, I gained it all back.

Two weeks ago, I decided to try that again. It is called "Intermittent Fasting". Monday thru Friday I have coffee in the morning, with half and half. I don't eat again until after 5pm. From 5pm to 9-ish, I have a good supper and maybe a few snack items. I try to keep things on the healthier side and keep good snack items like fruits and nuts around. I will admit though, that I had frozen yogurt and even a piece of cake one night. When food journaling I would have those items anyway, so it wasn't a big deal to me.

After the first week, nothing changed. In fact, I went up a bit. The middle of the second week I dropped five pounds. Today I was right back up again. WTF???*^%$%@&#^*%^* I am so dang fed up with this.

I even upped my walking. I've been very consistently getting 5000 or more steps a day. It doesn't sound like much to YOU, but to ME this was an improvement.

And today I gained weight. Damn scale.

What would I be doing if I weren't doing what I am doing? My guess is that I would gain a lot of weight. I do miss some other parts of my life though. My house used to be cleaner. I used to be an avid sewer/quilter. I used to draw and paint. I used to garden more. Why am I not doing these things? Why do I feel the healthy living lifestyle is so all encompassing?  Why does the healthy living lifestyle seem to be sucking the life right out of me?

I don't know.

I shall try to figure this out. Until then, don't give up, cuz I am not. Walk-on with me, cuz I am still walking too.

Ouch!!!

Abby was bonked on the head by a 2 by 4 this week!!! 

She's heard such things in her head before and when the third person pointed out that she wasn't walking like she used to, I think she may have finally gotten that message.  Funny how that works sometimes. We just don't listen!!!

Dexter is always ready to go for a walk. He is a very busy puppy and walking will tire him out for a few seconds. There are no excuses to not incorporate walking into your schedule too.

Don't forget to drink enough water, every day!

"PLAY WITH ME!"

Along with Abby and Dexter, I hope you will all, "Walk-On", too!

The future or the past?

My apologies for those who follow my blog...all two or three of you, but I just have not had much to share without repeating the same crap over and over again. Many other bloggers struggle with postings now and then. I feel I am in good company.

LIFE:
February has been a horrid month for me. I suffer from depression more often at this time of the year. It usually isn't acute enough to go to see the doctor. Way back when, years ago, when I realized what was happening I was amazed at how predictable this time of year could be! Anyway, knowing what is going on, does help get through this time of moodiness, but it still is a drag. 
I am doing pretty good this week. At least I feel like I am. I don't know what next week will bring. I read that if you are depressed, you are often living in the past. If you are anxious, you are often living in the future. If you are at peace, you are often living in the present. That future anxious thing is me in a nutshell! Oh how I go on with worry about the "what-ifs"!!!
Abby just hides behind her rose colored glasses. She pretends that everything is just hunky dory and that there is nothing wrong:

It would be better for her to face her fears than to ignore them until she drives herself and others around her, batty. Better isn't always the easy way to do things though. Abby and I will be fine. We ARE fine. Life goes on and so do we.

AROUND THE 'NET:
I read a great article the other day. It is from Coach Calorie. www.coachcalorie.com
I copied it here as it really is a very good read!

By: Tony Schober - Coach Calorie

Like most of you I've been through my cycles of weight loss and weight gain. Something would spark my motivation and I would be hyper focused for weeks at a time.
And then the drive would start to taper. That taper would lead to a few missed workouts or some off plan eating.
This would continue until losing weight was no longer my #1 priority any more. It looked something like this:

• Yeah, let's do this!

• It's working!

• This isn't so bad.

• I'm gonna look awesome come summer time.

• I'm hungry, but I'm doing great, so I can afford to eat that.

• I'm feeling too lazy to work out today. Missing one workout won't matter.

• Man, I haven't worked out in a week. I need to work out tomorrow.

• OK, it's been another week without a workout now.

• Ugh, my weight is starting to go back up from all that garbage I've been eating.

• I did all that work for nothing.

• Eh, what's the point. I should just be happy with who I am. It's wintertime anyways.

• I. Hate. My. Body.

Rinse and repeat - over and over and over again.
I see people going through those same cycles as I did. The thoughts might be slightly different, and the motivation to lose weight might come from a different place, but almost everyone goes through the following cycle:

 

Our ultimate goal is to take that initial motivation and extend it all the way until we reach our goal, which is forever, as there is no real destination - only a way of life. Our goal is to make motivation into a habit itself.

The Most Effective Weight Loss Motivation: I'm not going to throw out a bunch of gimmicky motivational tools in the hopes one of them sticks. Yes, pictures of fit people, pictures of overweight people, music, workout partners, swimsuit season, and fear of embarrassment are all potential motivation sparks. But they are short term sparks. They won't last forever.
Here's how you create forever-lasting motivation for weight loss...
You make every aspect of your weight loss program enjoyable. You love what you eat. You love how much you eat. You love your exercise. You love moving your body. You love the way it makes you feel. You love the way it makes others feel.
And this next part is what's most important - you don't care about what anyone else thinks about what you're doing. That means if you were the only other person in this world you would still do all the same things. You would still eat all the same things. You would still do all the same workouts.
The people who are always in shape LIVE for fitness. They are passionate about it. It is their life. It's what makes them happy and brings them pleasure - not the end result, but the simple act of doing.
They love the journey - not the destination. And when they think that way they receive the instant gratification that is necessary to always feel motivated.
You can have what you want today - right now in this very instant if you change the way you think about your weight loss.
There is no destination. The destination is forever, and the sooner you see that the sooner you can enjoy the NOW and find the energy and motivation to change.
Latch on to what makes you happy right now and go with it. Get excited about it. Look forward to it.
That new cycle will push you forward forever.
Have a healthy day!
Tony Schober
Founder - Coach Calorie

"Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t – you’re right."

* * * * *

Isn't that a great article? I know it sure spoke to me. "There is NO destination-only a way of life!" Once we get to the weight we want, then what? Weight loss is a destination. We need to form a better way of life that incorporates the weight we lose. It IS a lifestyle, not an end.
I will leave you with all this reading, to contemplate on your own. Until next time, walk-on!

Figuring it out

This morning I was reading Roni's blog. She wrote something I can relate to:

"Since I sold the conference, blogging as a career is pretty much out for me and frankly I want it to be. I’m tired of the hustle. Finding sponsors is exhausting, running ads is annoying (and frankly pretty fruitless) and I’m over the constant pressure of  getting more readers — actually I’ve been over that for some time.  I, honestly, hate the “business of blogging,” always have. I just want to do what I do and share what I can without all the pressure of it having an income tied to it.

Now that I confessed that, I’m left with what?

Nothing.

Okay, that’s pretty dramatic. I have lots! I just feel lost. This motivated, energetic, goal-orientated mama is without a plan or direction and it’s really throwing me for a loop.

I’ll figure it out. I always do."

I have had these thoughts too! I am teaching yoga and working out and trying to walk more and drinking less. I have a strong possibility of an offer to teach yoga for money, but I am not sure I should make that commitment. And then what am I left with? Nothing.

I go to the weight loss support group and those folks help keep me going, but frankly I wonder why I bother sometimes. I have lost a pound or two or three and the following week, I've gained it right back.

I've made changes, one at a time, to try to figure out what might make the biggest difference in my weight. Strength training has not made the pounds drop off. Neither has walking more. The only changes noticed in drinking is that if I do not drink beer, I don't have a beer belly. The weight just stays stuck.

Roni says she will figure it out. I say that too. In the back of my mind though, there is a little voice that says, "but what if you don't this time?"

All I CAN do is something Roni introduced me to, a while back. "wycwyc". "What you can, when you can" and for now, that is enough.

In a brighter vein of thought, Dexter is still here. He is the most awesome pup! He is going for walks with me. He knows how to sit, wait, lay down, and is learning to "crawl" on his belly. He is so stinking cute!!! I am smitten.

Please have a wonderful holiday season. Enjoy and indulge a bit, exercise a bit, take some time for yourself. Do a kindness towards a stranger. And as always, walk-on!

Tis the Season

Abby and Dexter are decorating for the holidays. They don't want to 'hear' all the bad stuff in the world. For the next few days, they want to just enjoy the beauty of the season. That is why they are in the snow globe.

The addition of Dex in her life has meant that Abby is walking more steps than ever! Raising a puppy can be a challenge, but it sure has a LOT of rewards! Till next time, Walk-On!

Old and New

A year ago today, I had to make the very hard decision to put Ziva down. She and I had one last walk on the trail that day.

Today I took Dex for his first walk. It seemed quite fitting. Thank you Ziva, for all the miles. Thank you Dex for starting the new miles with me.

Walk On