"You're not happy now?"
"I will be happier when I've lost all this weight."
"How will you be different then? Why does a few pounds make you a happier person?"
"Well...well because all my troubles will magically go away when I am thinner!"
"Do you think thin people are always happy?"
"I suppose they are sometimes unhappy, but being thinner must make them just happier people in general."
"Do you know how ridiculous you sound?"
"Um, ya, I guess I do."
Depression is a very scary word to many people, including myself. I hate/loath/detest the thought that taking a little pill can help me cope with the world so much easier. Why can't I just suck it up and get over myself? Why do I keep feeling the urge to have a pity party full of tears and angst when I am not taking an anti-depressant? I have tried three different drugs over the past four years. I hate feeling dependent on them but I like having the roller-coaster rides stop when I am taking them. I like feeling more in control. I do not like admitting I need this type of help. I still do not fully accept that I do, indeed, NEED these to cope with life. I will probably try going without again, once the weather changes and I can get outside more. This is what I am telling myself anyway. Right now, this very moment, I don't know what else to say about it.
So, changing topics ... I listen to podcasts all the time. A recent one gave me a small epiphany. I do not believe in myself yet. I do not believe I can keep most all the weight off that I lost. I still think I will gain it all back. I try to trick myself into thinking I won't, but then I start dinking around and having an extra bite of this or that, or I come up with another excuse to not change up my exercise routines. I like being in this rut. I like trying to fool myself into thinking I will be just fine without changing certain things in my life. I like thinking the Foodie Fairy will wave her magic wand and take out all those extra calories found in peanut brittle.
I touch and dance away and touch again. What can I get away with? Can I eat the extra English muffin every morning and get away with it? Can I have that wine on the weekend and not gain weight? Does it really matter?
These are the games I (we) play. Even as I write them down, I know I won't play this game again and gain all my weight back. Even though I do not totally believe in myself, I have not totally given up on myself either. This is one huge thing that is different this time around. I truly am NOT working that hard on maintaining a healthy weight or getting to a goal weight right now. I haven't really worked that hard on this, all along. It took such tiny changes to make, to get spectacular results! Now I am down to the last few pounds though. What I need to figure out is just how much work I am willing to put in to being at a certain weight. What will I cut back on, or give up, or change, in order to weigh less? I don't know yet. I am still trying to figure that out. I have heard this called "finding your happy weight". That is what I am searching for right now...I am trying to find my happy weight.
I actually had one less English muffin for breakfast, two times, this week. That is a step in the right direction. I don't need the extra muffin to feel full or satisfied. Why did I think I needed it? Because it was there. Really. It was there, therefore I must eat it. I used to eat two muffins (and more), so I should be able to do that again but not gain weight, right? What kind of reasoning is this? It is the reasoning that many of us have when fighting food fights. Irrational thoughts. Now I am in the process of learning what rational thoughts are like.
Learning how to live at a healthy weight after having had weight issues for well over 40 years, will take some time. I experiment with myself all the time. I learn new things every week about how to live a healthier life and how to actually LIKE living a healthier life. I keep searching to find my personal "Happy Weight" and this will take more time.
Another thing I'd like to ask you is this; if you were already weighing what you wanted to weigh, how would your life be? What would it be like? What, then? Do you think you will magically change into a unicorn? How about a ballerina? Will everyone suddenly notice you and like you more? You lose the weight...what then?
I have kept up with both my resolutions this year. I am still smoke-free and I have walked ten or more minutes every day. Today I went out because I saw it was snowing! We have had ice and sleet but very little actual snow. It felt good, hitting my face as Ziva and I went for our walk. I might have felt different about this if I lived back in Minnesota or on the East Coast. Sorry guys, here in the south, it was a treat for me!