24 Steps

That is how many steps it is from the first floor to the second floor at the center I go to. There is a landing in the middle, so you can rest on your way up. There is also an elevator you can use.

When I first started this journey, not only could I NOT go up those stairs, I could not go DOWN those stairs! My knees and balance were so out of whack that I had to have a death grip on the railing to hold me up on the way down.

Within a couple weeks though, I could go down those steps. Within a couple months, I could go up them. I would pull myself partially up by using the railing but I was taking the stairs.

Now, I can go up those 24 steps, right up the middle, no extra help needed! I still hold the railing going down the stairs, just because I don't want to have a misstep and fall! I think that is kinda neat to have accomplished this!

Another thing I have noticed is that I have little bump muscles in my arms now. They are not a body builder's muscles, but they ARE muscles!

Sometimes, when I walk down the hall in our house and turn the corner I catch a glimpse of myself in the full length mirror there. "Who IS that woman?" It can't be me because that woman is thinner than I am. I smile and walk on. What a nice reward to give myself permission to like that reflection in the mirror again.

Do something kind for yourself today. Whatever your triumph, big or small, give your self a pat on the back or an atta-girl or atta-boy! Don't give up. We're getting there, one step at a time.

Fluffy is Okay

There is a comedian that is quite heavy and his famous saying is "I'm not fat, I am fluffy!" I am not a huge fan of the comedian, but I sure like saying fluffy instead of fat!

Obese should be a four letter word too. I hate the negativity in the terms associated with being overweight. Don't most people who are fat, (excuse me, I meant to say fluffy) already beat themselves up over their weight issues? Is it because we are so sensitive to our weight that when we hear the words we take them to heart too much?

Fat, obese, overweight, plump, chubby, stout, portly, tubby, flabby, pudgy, piggy, heavy, chunky, hefty, XXX size, plus size, queen size, big girls, and more...all words, just words! But they can really affect us, can't they?

We give too much power to others and to words others may use. We should NOT be using words like this in our own brains either. We don't need to beat ourselves up any more than we already do!

These are the facts: I am over 50 and I am fluffy. I choose to say fluffy because I don't need to beat myself up over this weight stuff!!! The word fluffy makes me smile. Life should be more about smiles.

Are you fluffy too?

And I didn't Give Up!

The dark mood has lifted and I am doing okay today. I still am going to explore ways to stave off these feelings, as I am sure they will come to haunt me again!

I made it to the center to exercise this morning and have a very good, very healthy supper planned. One day at a time...one day at a time.....

Try, try, again...

I just realized that I now have less than 100 pounds to lose to be in the non-obese range! According to "the charts" out there, I should weigh around 150 pounds, give or take about twenty pounds. You may have noticed I have a 100 pound goal right now. That goal will get me to 191 pounds...41 pounds above 'normal' and only 21 pounds above a healthy weight.

I was down a little over a pound and a half this week. I should be rejoicing. For some reason I am not. This whole week has seen higher calories and fat. I am averaging around 1000 calories a day and 21 grams of fat. The previous weeks have been less than these numbers.

I took one of those silly quizzes that says I am food obsessive. I am afraid to not be this way. I will be trying to find answers on how to deal with this, this week. I recognize the old tapes trying to start running that lead to quitting. It IS a good thing that I gave away my big clothes. I can't afford to get fatter again!!!

Being Chicken

Yummy! This was lunch today. Starting with the base...the salad plate I use is a fun design that makes you smile right from the start! (I think having fun dinnerware is a great thing!) I then added more color by tossing in a couple handfuls of mixed greens. On top of it all is a mixture of diced chicken, sliced black olives, grape tomatoes-cut in half, chopped green peppers, chopped sweet Vidalia onions, and a little Miracle Whip Lite dressing. (It is amazing how far a tablespoon of dressing goes!) I also added a little seasoned salt and dried celery flakes. mmm mmm mmm!

My salad dishes are almost as large as a dinner plate. They have a bowl shape and hold a LOT of food! I love having this huge meal with no guilt. It has about 225 calories and six grams of fat. It is also very filling!

I am still learning about foods. It is a never ending education for me. This is the part of this lifestyle change that I detest most. Well, at least today I detest it most-est!

Something else that bugs me, is that once I start eating, I want to keep eating, even when full. It is like a feeding frenzy!!! What am I? Part shark?Sometimes I am afraid to try to eat breakfasts because I will use up calories and then overeat by the end of the day! I hate, HATE, HATE, having to think about food ALL the time! Will I have to write down everything I eat, all the time, for the rest of my life? I ain't gonna. No-sir-ree-Bob! I do not have the alternative answer to this yet, but it will be a cold day in H-E-double toothpicks before I will write down everything I eat for all the rest of my life! But this is a maintenance thing that will be addressed when I arrive at the end of the weight loss part of my program. As I have already told you, I invent things to worry about and today was the day to worry about something that doesn't really need to be worried about for a long time yet.

The thought I want to leave you with today is why I am writing this blog and sharing it with total strangers, as well as a number of people who know who I am in person. Yes, it IS a self-serving thing to do. By sharing my thoughts, fears, feelings, worries, successes, ups, downs, and the rest, I truly hope to help out someone else on this journey. By sharing all this, I also keep motivating myself more. So I AM being selfish by sharing my journey, but I really do hope I can help too. Fair trade? I think so. I don't want to hide my journey this time. I don't want to be a chicken anymore! Come on! Be brave with me and let's go cook a chicken for supper tonight. No frying though!

Wednesday Thoughts

When I went to bed last night, I was saying to myself that I was tired of swimming and that the weather is so extra nice this week, that I was going to walk today. So, I did!

I walked for about 40 minutes and went almost a mile and a half:

I took a new route for variety. I will go for a shorter walk this afternoon and then back to the pool tomorrow. I haven't watched all of "The Biggest Loser" from last night yet. I did see the part where they had to carry the weight they had lost. That really strikes me. I know I mentioned the 40 pound bag of dog food I carried into the house a couple weeks ago. I don't know how I carried that weight on my body. No wonder my knees and back feel so much stronger!

Pasta tonight. I take mine without meat and with portabella 'shrooms. I like 'shrooms. I hope you are having a great week! Go for a walk!

Motivation, or Lack-There-Of

For most of this week I have been in a funk, regarding my program. (I hate calling it a 'program' because this is a lifestyle change, not a program!!!) Whatever you call it, I have been in a dark, worrisome frame of mind when thinking about how this is all going to work out. In fact, if I had a suck-o-meter, it would almost be in the red zone.

I am a chronic worrier. According to my husband, I make up 'chit' to worry about! I also suffer bouts of depression, which I think is a normal thing for most humans. My brain will often fill up with such thoughts as:

• "How long can I keep this up?"
• "Will I keep doing this 'program' for the rest of my life?"
• "Will I keep losing weight without changing the way I am eating and exercising right now?"
• "Will I start gaining weight without changing the way I am eating and exercising right now?"
• "How will I EVER stay motivated to do this for the rest of my life?"
• "CAN I do this for the rest of my life?"
  
• "Is it ok to eat a bag of rice cakes after 8pm?"
  

On and on, I can make myself dizzy with worry. To what end? I mean, come on! It will either keep working, or it won't. I AM down over 40 pounds and that is GOOD! If it stops working, I can change things around at THAT time. I don't need to waste so much energy on worrying about the "what-ifs" right now!!!

Why do we beat ourselves up over this stuff? I am so tired of living with a weight problem. It takes up so much time in my life. I obsess over it and then worry about obsessing! If I don't pay attention to it, though, won't I just get fatter again? (What do skinny people obsess about?)

I have a love/hate relationship with the "The Biggest Loser" show on TV. I don't buy into losing 100+ pounds in just a few months. I know I will not workout/exercise for hours and hours a day, for the rest of my life. Their program just seems unrealistic to me. I do watch it though. I watch a lot of shows that talk about weight issues. I also read books about diet, exercise, and motivation. From each, I take nuggets of information. I might find some inspiration or just a simple tip to help me with my quest.

Anyway, this season of "The Biggest Loser" is coming to an end. Last week's episode had the contestants being 'tested' by the trainers. One of the tests had Jillian doing some role playing with the contestants. It really struck a chord with me. Jillian was mimicking all the negative comments the contestants had made to her over past weeks. Some of those comments could have been made by me!

• I feel like crap.
• No matter what I do, it isn't good enough.
• I am always second best.
• I am selfish for putting SO much time and effort into this.
• I've lost weight...so what?
  

The contestants then had to come back with a positive response. They recognized that their past negativity was a form of self-victimization. If you play the victim in all this, it is easy to give up because it is not YOUR fault! It is the fault of your genes. It is the fault of your parents. It is the fault of food companies. It is the fault of your income situation because you don't have enough money to buy yourself a trainer, a gym membership, diet foods, therapy sessions, liposuction, gastric bypass surgery, or whatever you think you cannot have, to make this work!

I've said in a previous post that I knew I would have to do the homework to make things work this time. I hate it! I don't WANT to think about what I am eating every time I put something in my mouth. I don't WANT to think about having to fit in an hour of exercise every day. Until I have that hour done with, I obsess about getting it done. "If I don't get that exercise done now, I might not get it done later!"

Is this what I will become? Forever obsessive about this eating and exercising? How DO skinny folks do it? How DO people who've lost weight and kept it off forever, do it? Are there such people out there, for real? How MANY times do they lose and gain before they conquer fat? I have quit smoking. I have done it several times. I have gone 10 years or more between quitting and starting and quitting again. Is that what I have to look forward to with the weight issues?

Why do we find it SO hard to give ourselves credit for what we HAVE done? In my case, I AM exercising, eating better, and still trying to resolve issues that might have stopped me from success in the past. (whatever that measurement of success ends up to be when I get there) Sometimes we HAVE to be selfish in order to make this work. To take care of ourselves enables us to take care of others. This especially resonates in women who generally are the caretakers of the family. We give and give and give and forget to give to ourselves too!

If you lose motivation, recall WHY you started this all in the first place. ("this all" can be anything you are trying to accomplish) If you lose motivation, write down all the positives you can about what you HAVE done. (easier said than done, but do it!) If you lose motivation, get therapy! ????WHAT!!!!??? Yes, I said therapy. Can't afford it? Neither can I. However, MY therapy is allowing myself to do something I really love doing. I not only allow it, I enjoy it. I wallow in it. I embrace it. I do my fabric therapy and always feel better!

When was the last time you felt exhilarated or happy about something you've done? (It could be something simple like smelling spring flowers or something more elaborate like a ski trip where you zoomed down the mountain on a snowboard.) Now think how you felt when you did this thing in your life that made you smile. Give yourself permission to feel good about something. Feel those positive endorphins rattling through your body. Wrap your arms around these feelings. Look in a mirror and tell that image about whatever this experience was that made you feel so good.

Now notice: What is your body language doing? Are you animated? Are you smiling? Is your body alert? It is hard to be hunched over and all sad when you are talking about a positive experience or feeling! Take this feeling with you as you go about your business. Remember what you have accomplished already! We have to learn to be our own best friend sometimes. The only thing we get from beating ourselves up is bruised and it don't feel good!

I was 'only' down a bit less than a half pound at Saturday's weigh-in. GASP!!! Doesn't that just bite? But you know what? I am giving myself a gold star for hanging in there and as soon as I send this off to blog-land, I am going to do some gardening and plan to go for a short walk later...even though this is my day off. I give myself permission to take Sunday's off and rarely do I just sit and vegetate in the house. See? A lifestyle change really does make changes in my life!

Inching Along

I realized that I am about halfway to my goal weight. I have changed my goal weight around a bit and finally settled on a one hundred pound total weight loss. This will be my FIRST goal. If I make it to that goal, I will see about setting a new one. I am still very unsure of my success in the long run.

I lost another two pounds at Saturday's weigh-in. I started my third food and exercise journal last week too. I decided that I need this 'crutch' for now. Why mess with something that is working so well?

Here is the first journal I kept:

Remember when looking at this, that the calories per day have the calories burned during exercise, subtracted from the food calories taken in. I did this the same way in the second journal. In the third journal though, I am writing down the actual calories and tracking the exercise separately.

Since I have something going on tomorrow, I won't make it to the center to exercise. Because of that, I went out for a mile walk today, before the heat set in. Even my son and husband tagged along!

It is also Mother's Day today. The 'guys' are taking me out to dinner. I have not decided just where yet. I feel good about knowing how to make good choices when I do order something at a restaurant now! The confidence in making better choices is definitely improving!

I am reading through some new books that I hope to share with you soon! I hope you all have a pleasant Mother's Day too!

An Even Keel

I am now researching. I am wading through so many books, web pages, and informational sources, that my head hurts. I knew it would come to this!

If you have dieted for any length of time, or tried dieting many times in the past, you already know there are gazillions of diet books out there. Some of you may have attained a goal weight, only to put it back on, and then some! What is missing?

Let me ask you this: How many books are out there that talk about successful weight maintenance? Dieting is easy, but LIVING the life...where are THOSE guidelines?

My plan, all along, has been to stylize my new life around a way of living that will help me feel better. Part of feeling better is to not be so blasted FAT! My weight is coming off slowly because I am making lifestyle changes that I think I can live with for the rest of my life!

But tell me...where ARE those books that guide you as good as the diet books do? We all know. It is because there is more money to be made in selling the next best diet shortcut than there is in selling the truth about how this all works in the real world and works for the rest of your life! It is all about learning how to keep an even keel on your lifeboat! Anyone for a swim?

Join Me for Lunch?

Two tidbits for today. First, use fun dinnerware when you eat! The more you pay attention to your plate, the more you are aware of what is moving from that plate to your face!
Second, to slow down your eating, use chopsticks! Never have used them before? No problem! I never had chopsticks until I was 55 years old! I kept at it and have now gotten the hang of it! I can't catch a fly with them, but I usually can keep the food under control from bowl to mouth.

Give new things a try! You might be surprised at what you can do and the changes you can make!