She said because I don't walk enough, I will just get fatter and fatter.
She said because I like to drink wine every night, that I was an alcoholic.
She said because I struggled with wanting to smoke cigarettes, that I was a weakling.
She said that because I had a fat belly, that I looked like a fat old lady and was ugly!
She said that because I gained some of the weight back that I had lost a few years ago, that I was a loser and would never be able to keep the weight off for very long.
She called me a failure.
Who was this awful person? WHY did I let her in my life? WHY did I listen to her? Why? Well, because SHE is actually ME. She is the inner mean girl that puts me down over and over again. Her voice is often way too loud. She hurts my feelings. She makes me doubt myself. She hates me.
In a post over on Roni's blog, she talks about the stories that this inner mean girl tells her too. Here is an excerpt:
The Stories You Tell Yourself
Skinny-ness is a state of mind"Losing weight, for some of us, is more of mind game then anything else. It’s not impossible but it sure is difficult to achieve a goal that’s so clearly undefined and drenched in emotional baggage. Instead, what I’m suggesting is that you place your focus squarely on becoming a healthy, happy, balanced person, rather than a skinny one and you may be surprised at what you can succeed.
I started just doing less and less because I didn’t like the body I was in, the body I put myself in."
I HAVE been wanting to get "back on track" and have slid down the slippery slope of self loathing and self defeating talk. Abby is suffering right along with me.
She's been coasting along, full of self loathing and self pity. She hasn't wanted to walk, even though she's heard it numerous times from others, that she should be walking like she used to. She's watched the scale creep up and up.
Sweet Dexter, the wonder dog, is sad too. He would be happy to go walking with her. Sure, he isn't as fearsome looking as Ziva was, but he still would be a good partner to hit the trails with.
Tomorrow is August first AND it is a Monday. Abby and I are hoping that somehow we will pull ourselves together and begin again, to make the changes needed to get back on track to a healthier life. We want to reverse the weight gaining trend, get out and walk again, and just be the people we want to be!
I hope the mean girl gets gobsmacked upside her pretty little warped head and goes away for a while. We will keep you posted.
One last bit. Some of the goings on in the world right now, sure don't help matters. Abby thinks we are being invaded: