I often have things I'd like to write down and share but don't take that time to do so because I don't have a picture to go along with what I am writing. In order for me to write something witty and full of awesome content, I feel I have to punctuate the posting with adorable photos that will make you smile and draw you in.
If I am to believe my GP Doc, I suffer from depression and anxiety. It isn't the super-bad-want-to-kill-myself type of depression. Don't worry about that. It is a day to day existence where I often just don't feel like doing anything. I don't want to get out of bed.
Lately I have been binge-watching five seasons of a show. It is very addicting. I have an addictive personality. Addiction to food. Addiction to drink. Addiction to depression. Is it really addiction?
Those who think they understand how our brains work, do they really think they can blame away so many problems to addictions/disorders/chemical imbalances? Do so many doctors think that throwing a pill at the problem is the only way to fix it? I fight the urge to go see my doc, who would give me a pill in a heartbeat, to try to make it all better. Then I say to myself that it really isn't all that bad, as long as my family is alright with my mood swings, do I need a pill? They say they are willing. Are they really though?
I am so tired of everything.
I do not like living where I am living.
I do not like the mess of our home.
I hate summertime.
I am a doom and gloom blob.
Why am I fat? Cuz I eat too much food! Dammit Does substituting turkey bacon for pork bacon REALLY make that much of a difference? I mean, if you allow for the calories anyway, does it really make a difference?
Folks, I have not figured out the secret to maintaining weight loss yet. I am not giving up though. It has taken years and will probably take more years for me to get to a happy medium between enjoying my life, eating without harming myself, and exercising with enjoyment.
All this depression talk....BAH. It runs in my family. I hope that by speaking out loud about it, that my children will handle it better than I have, and better than I did when I was their age. It has been one of my biggest fears in life, that they too will suffer from depression and not get the help they need to get through the tough spots. AND by help, I don't mean pop a pill but all therapy types, medical and mental.
There is another fear that they, or I, will blindly follow the doctor's advice to take a pill to fix us. In some cases, are we not all looking for that magic pill of some sort? Take a pill and feel better. Take a pill and you will lose weight.
Why are we SO freaking ashamed to admit we have depression? Why, after all these years does there have to be a stigma still attached to mental issues? And why do I obsess about that answer? I don't know. I've done it so long that it seems to be a part of me now.
I did do something different to try to get out of my funk. I went camping. Dexter went along with. We hiked for about four hours, traveling around six miles. PHEW! It was fun. It was very challenging. I want to do it again!
|Dex and me, resting on the trail|
|My 15 year old said he'd like to do this again!|